


I'm So Queer I Can't Even Think Straight (But To Be Fair, You're Not Helping)

by DontOffendTheBees



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: (i'm SO HAPPY to be able to use those tags my GOD), Awkward Conversations, Bisexual Todd Brotzman, Canon - Comics, Canon Continuation, Canon Queer Character, Confessions, Demisexual Dirk Gently, Don’t copy to another site, Fluff, Getting Together, Kissing, M/M, Self-Discovery, Sexuality Headcanons, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, post-first kiss, sexuality exploration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-25 22:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18710953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontOffendTheBees/pseuds/DontOffendTheBees
Summary: "His mind was buzzing, his heart pounding, his lips tingling, even now five, ten,howevermany minutes later. But if nothing else, he’d got past the phase of the wholeholy shit Dirk just kissed mething going round and round in his head, stuck in there like a bad song.But holy shitDirk just kissed him."In which Todd shows his hand, and Dirk takes a leap.





	I'm So Queer I Can't Even Think Straight (But To Be Fair, You're Not Helping)

**Author's Note:**

> [So how about that comic, huh?](https://twitter.com/ArvD/status/1124715812948852738)
> 
>  
> 
> Yes, it is I- I have been on radio silence fic-wise for quite some time, and will be a while longer because I am currently working on two _massive_ fics that are taking their time to complete (but will be posted in the next few months!), but I HAD to come out of the woodwork for this because ummmmm _it's not every day you get a canon OTP kiss, right???_
> 
> So, I wrote this over a couple of hours tonight, have only proofread once so apologies for mistakes and uh... enjoy!

His mind was buzzing, his heart pounding, his lips tingling, even now five, ten, _however_ many minutes later. But if nothing else, he’d got past the phase of the whole _holy shit Dirk just kissed me_ thing going round and round in his head, stuck in there like a bad song.

But holy shit _Dirk just kissed him._

He couldn’t help but glance at him, every so often. Probably _too_ often, but who’s counting? Not Dirk, who seemed to be more interested in the parade than anything else. _Ooh_ ing and _aah_ ing at the colours, occasionally asking what certain flags were (of which Todd could only identify about fifty percent; he hadn’t exactly got involved with any of this stuff in... God, had he _ever?)_ and complimenting the more unusual haircuts on view. He looked happy, ‘gay’ in his initial misunderstanding of the word, and pretty much totally unfazed by the whole kissing-Todd-breathless thing, mirroring Todd’s position with his elbows on the wall and grinning at the proceedings like a big kid on Christmas. Todd tried to tell himself _that_ was why his own stomach was swooping, why he felt all warm and... _gooey_ (ugh) inside just watching him. He always liked to see his friend happy, _truly_ happy, just doing all that normal shit he never got to do before and enjoying it, but...

Ugh, who was he kidding. His dumb stupid heart was still beating fast and hard as a heavy bass riff.

He risked another look, and inwardly cursed when he met Dirk’s eyes looking curiously back.

“Todd,” said Dirk, cocking his head. “Are you alright?”

“Uh- yeah, yeah.”

“Do you not like the parade?”

“Wha- no, no that’s...”

“It’s alright- I mean, don’t take this the wrong way but you _do_ seem rather like a parade-hating-person,” said Dirk, matter-of-factly. “Perhaps you ought to go back inside, find something ghastly to listen to on the radio instead.”

“You mean the radio that Farah’s set up camp next to?” asked Todd, smirking. “Yeah, I’ll pass.” If there was one thing he’d learned during the short but eventful life of the Agency, it was _never bother Farah when she’s gathering intel._ He wasn’t about to make _that_ mistake again.

“Hm, true. Telly then? Usually some _cracking_ soaps on at this time of day- I think the hotel has a few options as well, I had a flick through them earlier, but I have to say, they seemed rather _unsuitable_ to be watching while we’re on the job. But your secret’s safe with me!”

“Wha- god, no. No, the parade’s fine,” said Todd, face hot. _God,_ Dirk talking about porn like it was nothing was _really_ not gonna help him get through this.

“Are you sure?” Dirk pressed, because he couldn’t take a hint if you wrapped it round a gold brick and smacked it round his head. “You seem awfully distracted.”

“Just... thinking.”

“Oh!” Dirk grinned, propping his head on his hands and looking up at Todd expectantly, hunkered by the low concrete wall. “Penny for them?”

“It’s, uh. It’s nothing.”

“Oh, go on!” Dirk waggled his eyebrows comically. “You _know_ you want to!”

Todd snorted, shaking his head. But Dirk continued to peer at him intently, eyes alight with that certain curiosity that meant he wasn’t going to let up until he had _answers._ It was fucking infuriating. And maybe... yeah, okay, maybe just kinda cute. Kinda.

Jeez, he was so _screwed._

“It...” he brought his palm down on the concrete guardrail once, twice, three times in thought. Oh, screw it. “I was thinking about... that thing.”

Dirk looked at him blankly. “’That Thing?’”

“The, uh...” Jesus, what was he, in _middle school?_ “The, uh... the thing that just happened, the... the kiss thing.”

“Oh!” said Dirk, brightly. “Right, yes. Thoughts?”

Todd almost laughed. Literally, nearly broke the fuck _down_ because the guy was so goddamn _chipper._ Christ, he really had no idea. “It was... good.”

“Good?”

“Nice.”

“Nice...”

“Yeah,” Todd muttered, ducking his head, kinda wishing the ground would swallow him up before he made even more of an ass of himself.

“So, it was... what, good technique?”

Okay, he really _did_ laugh, then.

Dirk frowned, wounded. “A simple _no_ would have sufficed.”

“No, no, sorry,” Todd wheezed, running his hands through his hair. “No, no your, uh, _technique_ was... fine.” Just a little better than fine, actually. Maybe kinda raw and rough but... Todd would be lying if he said he didn’t dig that, a little. “I just mean it was good, uh... kissing you.”

Recovered from his hurt pride- but _not_ his confusion- Dirk gave him a bemused little smile. “Oh! Well, that’s... lovely.”

Jesus, he wished he hadn’t started this. But he was also _way_ too stubborn to back down, now. “Yeah, yeah, I mean... it was, uh, a good kiss or whatever, but it was _better_ because... because it was you.”

“Because it was...”

He trailed off, and Todd didn’t add anything else. He knew Dirk would figure it out, soon enough- he actually _was_ a pretty good detective, when he put his mind to it.

“... _Oh.”_

Aaaand, there it was. “Yeah.”

It went quiet. Or, well, as quiet as it could go with a pride parade marching with full fanfare under their feet. Todd didn’t risk looking at Dirk- he’d see all his mental equations on his face, and that would only make him _more_ anxious. Not that he _was_ anxious. Jeez, why was he anxious?!

“Are _you_ gay?”

Todd’s head shot up. “No! I mean,” _shit,_ why was his natural instinct to be defensive, mother _fucker._ “I mean, not _exactly-_ not that there’s anything wrong with, um-” Oh, for _fuck’s sake-_ “I’m bi. I think. Uh, I’m not exactly sure, but I... I think I like both. All. Um. Yeah.”

Dirk turned his face back to the crowd, lips pursed and eyes darting as he did some more mental math. “Hm. Interesting. I wouldn’t have... well, I suppose I never gave it much _thought._ But then, I never gave _myself_ much thought in that regard, so I suppose it’s hardly surprising. And you’ve known this a while, yes?”

“Uh... since like, college I guess,” said Todd, literally fucking _praying_ that Dirk wouldn’t press for details.

“So you like women?”

“Yeah.”

“ _And_ men?”

Todd, feeling his face grow hotter by the second, nodded. “Yeah.”

“And might I be right in thinking that _I_ would be classed amongst... men that you like?”

Todd had to resist the urge to hide his face in his hands. Instead he crossed his arms tightly, and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Hm.” Dirk knitted his brows, nodding slowly. “ _Very_ interesting.”

Feeling like he’d been under the microscope long enough, Todd cleared his throat and straightened up from the wall. “Y’know what, forget it, I’m gonna go-”

“Want to try again?”

Thank _fuck_ he still had his hands braced. “Um,” he stammered, staring at Dirk. “What?”

Dirk was finally looking at him again, staring at him like he was a magic eye painting and he was waiting to see the real picture. “The kiss. Want to try the kiss again?”

“Um.” No. No, Dirk didn’t seem all that interested, and he didn’t wanna pressure him, and it was probably a _really_ bad idea to keep coming back for more tastes of something he couldn’t have and probably shouldn’t even _want,_ and- “Okay.” _What?!_

But Dirk, rather than looking put-upon or uncomfortable, just smiled, wide and cheerful, eyes alight with benign curiosity. “Splendid!”

He didn’t move, not right away, and Todd couldn’t help feeling sort of ridiculous, standing stock still on a random hotel balcony, just _waiting_ for something to happen. “Uh. We don’t have to...”

“Oh, no, it’s quite alright!” said Dirk brightly, pushing off from the wall a little. “I just thought... well, in case I made a bit of a meal of it again, you’d like to, um, _take the lead,_ so to speak?”

“Oh, I uh, I don’t have to-”

“No, no, go on! I insist!”

“Um,” Todd mumbles, feeling more and more like a deer in the headlights. “Okay. Um. Do you wanna...?”

Before he could even finish the thought, Dirk was right there, the short but noticeable few feet between them gone in the blink of an eye, and suddenly Todd was looking _up_ at him. He gulped- hopefully not audibly- and nodded. “Uh... Okay, I’m just gonna...”

He raised his hands, awkwardly. Dirk, nonplussed, gave him a little smile and nod of encouragement, and Todd told himself to _man the fuck up_ and put the stupid things on Dirk’s stupid neck. He could feel Dirk’s heat under his palms, the flutter of his pulse under his thumb, and tried to use that as some sort of grounding rather than let it freak him out and send him running for the hills. He wasn’t sure when he would get a chance like this again and... well. It was worth a shot, right?

_Fuck it._

Todd closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and stretched up on his tiptoes to press their mouths together.

Dirk’s lips were just as warm and soft the second time, but now it was Todd in the driver’s seat, starting out with a small, dry press of mouths. Dirk didn’t immediately respond, but he seemed... comfortable? It wasn’t exactly fireworks, but he seemed game for more, so Todd... pushed a little. Just to give it a try. He opened his mouth a little, and couldn’t keep back an involuntary shiver when he felt Dirk match him. He still wasn’t exactly getting _into_ it but his hands were on Todd’s waist now, and his lips were moving and maybe it was more curiosity than anything but Todd wasn’t complaining. Not when he had better things to do with his mouth- like catch Dirk’s bottom lip between his own and just... bite down on it, a little. Just to to see what would happen.

What happened, as it turned out, was Dirk’s hands tightening on his waist, over a sharp inhale of breath and a little noise of... surprise? _Good_ surprise, apparently, because he still didn’t push Todd away. But he nuzzled in a little closer and Todd, encouraged, did it again.

Dirk, absurdly, _giggled. “Oh...”_

Todd, feeling like a fucking teenager again, couldn’t help laughing a little, too. “Okay?” he rasped against Dirk’s parted lips.

“Yes...” Dirk murmured, darting forward to initiate a kiss of his own- and Todd was _more_ than okay with that.

Five, ten, however many minutes it lasted. Todd couldn’t honestly tell, time just sort of... stopped. Even the noise of the parade seemed to fade into the background. He didn’t have any room in his head for anything right now, anything that wasn’t Dirk. Dirk deepening the kiss, experimenting with tentative teeth or a shy tongue by turns, just exploring. Todd couldn’t remember the last time he’d kissed like this; like there was no endgame, no race to the finish line, like there was all the time in the world. He’d almost say it could be, hell, _platonic,_ just _fun_ if it weren’t for the damn way his own heart was thundering in his chest. But then, that was just him- he had _no_ idea what conclusions Dirk was gonna draw from this.

Maybe if he just kept kissing him, he wouldn’t have to find out.

But, well, they had to come up for air sometime.

“Well...” said Dirk softly, eyes closed, forehead pressed to Todd’s as he caught his breath.

“Yeah,” Todd mumbled, eyes open and taking in Dirk’s face a moment. For once, he _didn’t_ look like he was trying to read a script that was still being written; his face was lax and his restless eyes still behind heavy lids. “So, uh... that’s what that is.”

“Thoughts?”

 _“My_ thoughts?”

“Yes, if you would.”

Todd shrugged- which was about when he realised his arms had gone from being slightly pressed against Dirk’s chest to _fully_ slung round his neck. He blushed, but didn’t move them; he didn’t wanna break the moment any sooner than he had to. “It was... good.”

“Any different adjectives, this time?”

“How about you go first?” Todd deflected, fidgeting in place. His feet were starting to feel kinda achey.

“Hmm,” Dirk hummed, considering, thumbs tracing absent shapes on Todd’s waist which wasn’t at all distracting, thanks. “I’d say that was... _more_ than acceptable.”

Todd snorted, even though he wasn’t really sure whether to be buzzing with joy or sinking with disappointment right now. “Uh. Thanks?”

“I mean, quite a _bit_ more than acceptable,” Dirk amended, opening his eyes and _shit,_ those were... _something,_ up close. “Bit slow at the start, bit ah, _unusual_ but all in all... pretty bloody marvellous, actually.”

Todd tried _so hard_ not to let himself hope, but... “Yeah?”

“Yes.” Dirk cleared his throat, and up close Todd could see the dusting of pink on his pale cheeks. “I might even like to... do it again, at some point. If you don’t mind?”

“No, I don’t- I don’t mind,” Todd mumbled, dazed.

“Excellent. Tremendous. Tremendous assisting, Todd.”

Jesus, why did Todd even fucking _like_ this idiot?!

...God. _God._ But he did. He liked him _so. Much_.

Todd chuckled, breathlessly, but it quickly devolved to a full-blown laugh, his arms squeezing around Dirk reflexively and his heart just sort of bouncing in his chest with it and he couldn’t _stop._

And when Dirk joined in, he wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to.

_Love is love is love is love, right?_

**Author's Note:**

> Please come yell with me about this comic??? Or leave a comment or something??? I have written 50k of my other fics that I can't post yet and I'm craving that sweet sweet moral support/validation, yo.


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